if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
