i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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