I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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