I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
