Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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