There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
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