Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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