my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
please come you make the beer taste better
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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