Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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