There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
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The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
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Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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