Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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