Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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