dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Randomize
