i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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