I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
