Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I pour the whiskey from now on
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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