i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
