I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
