Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
