hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
honey bunches of taint.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
