I CAN MOONWALK!
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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