Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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