Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
