Already got asked if we're dating
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
