he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
