This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
