I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
