at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
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