just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
