just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Randomize
