Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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