cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
