shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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