Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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