my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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