I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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