well I can't set my house on fire every night
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
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