The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize
