Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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