He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
