I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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