Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize