I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
