After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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