Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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