Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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