I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
