I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
pray to the hookup gods
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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