I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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