I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
