you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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