I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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