there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
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