Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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