Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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