She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Life is so much better after having sex.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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