Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
pray to the hookup gods
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Randomize
