Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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