Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Randomize
